Almost 10 weeks!

How preggo I am: 9 weeks and 5 day, slacked on the blog for a bit with all the craziness

Baby size: Baby is canapé sized. Or alternatively southern pecan sized. Obviously.

Morning sickness: I don't want to jinx it, but it's turning out to be easier than with Lyra so far. I've still only puked twice. With Lyra it was like....twice a day. Maybe this means we will get our chill baby!

Food cravings/aversions: Graham crackers in goats milk. That's my favorite right now. And my dad's Nicaraguan sweet bread. Those are both really easy to stomach right now.

Other symptom: Nothing really right now which is a really weird feeling for me.

Weight gain: Nothing so far as I can tell, still around 125, I just definitely am already looking pregnant. I mean my uterus is already grapefruit sized from being fist sized prepregnancy.

Sleep: I only have to wake up once at most with Lyra at night and also to pee. It's actually really nice to sleep so much.

Mood: Surprisingly normal actually.

Gender: I have decided I don't care and, therefore, I don't feel the need to bother finding out until they're born. I did some reflection and realized I buy Lyra what I want or what she prefers despite her being a girl. And I've listened to some really cool podcasts and read some interesting books about transgender children and realized, it doesn't really matter. Sex and gender are different too and gender is more of a developed trait if that makes sense. So finding out about what kinda gear our kid has is irrelevant except for cleanliness in diaper cleaning methods. I think if I and remembering correctly, a sense of gender develops somewhere around 3, where kids really notice the differences and develop their sense of, "I'm a boy," or "I'm a girl." The longer I'm a mom, the more annoyed I get when someone is shocked that Lyra likes trains or asks her if she wants a purple or pink balloon. Because when I ask, I try to say, what color balloon do you want? She's pretty likely to say blue or green. Because she's 2 and she's learning colors. And today she likes blue. I really want her to grow up seeing a person for their personality and seeing traits like gender and race as irrelevant to any decision about whether she should call them a friend or not.

Lyra stats: Drumroll please, she has begun sleeping through the night!! She now wakes up once around 1 or not all all. She wakes up around 4 to 5 and may or may not go to sleep again, but still, amazing improvement. So if your kid isn't sleeping through the night, have faith. Mine is just starting to, sometimes, at nearly 2. Also she can blow her own nose. I don't have to always use the snot sucker. Those are the milestones that matter.

Movement: Ok. So. I feel like a crazy person but I keep thinking I'm already occasionally feeling something. But my brain keeps saying no way, it's too early. But I don't know what to expect since I had an anterior placenta last time (where placenta is between the baby and the front of my stomach) and I didn't feel Lyra until 19 weeks and within a week could see her movements from the outside. This time I have a posterior placenta so there is nothing in the way. Plus they say you feel it sooner with later children. So I'm confused. Time will tell, I guess!

What I miss: My pants. I am already switching to maternity clothes. I can fit in the regular stuff, but it feels like I just ate thanksgiving dinner every day if I do that. Also beer. And wine. With Lyra I never wanted a drink because I felt so sick. So this tradeoff is only a bit bittersweet.

Best moment this week: this epic road trip  that deserves (and will get) it's own post. Also Lyra started saying "Zoey" (thats my brothers dog) really clearly. I've never heard her say something so crystal clear. In her tiny toddler voice, it is the cutest thing ever. She also got sooooo excited to see my brother, her uncle "teen-tee" (Stinky) which was pretty stinking adorable too.

Looking forward to: Visiting a lot with my family and Travis family in the upcoming weeks.

I mean.....How could I not make this my bump picture?

On The Road Again

Every now and again I start thinking my life is pretty standard and boring. And then suddenly I'm planning a cross country road trip, while pregnant, with my nearly 2 year old. Now, I assume the universe threw this at me because I used the word "never." I will never drive across Canada in the middle of winter with 2 dogs while pregnant again. I assumed it was such a specific "never" scenario that surely I was safe. Plus Travis did have to drive Dinger (the mastiff) across Canada in the winter again. Surely that was close enough to lightning striking twice that if I said "never again" I was still safe from the universe having the last word. Alas, the universe wins again. This time I get to make a trip cross country to pick up Dinger. Once again, pregnant. No Roxi or Travis this time, but plus a nearly 2 year old. Should be easy enough, right? Now let me explain how this became my life.

So if you'll recall my earlier post about our move from Alaska to Nevada, we have a huge dog. In reality he's actually a tiny mastiff. Only 130 or 140 pounds depending on how spoiled he has been before being weighed. That's on the small side for a female mastiff, this is why his original name was Pipsqueak. But in any case, all airlines have put him in the snub nosed breed category (completely ridiculous as he is not a snub nosed breed but whatever, we can't win that arguement) and will not fly him cargo. Except United. The caveat is that they will fly him only to and from certain cities because his kennel is so big it can only fit on specific planes. This is why Travis had to drive him from Alaska to the lower 48 to ship him off to his parents' farm while we did the house buying thing. So now it was time to get him back, since all had settled after the move and miscarriage and whatnot, we booked him a flight to San Francisco. That is a 5 hour drive away. We picked the 4th of July because no one would have to take time off. We would do an overnight trip and have a good mini vacay. It went wrong on the evening of the 3rd, quite literally as we were walking out the door with Roxi and her kennel to leave her with a friend for a couple nights while we went to San Francisco.

Now I have to rant here. I HATE United with a burning passion. On the list of companies I hate, United is #1. Followed by United as #2. Then comes Comcast and #3, Priceline and #4 etc etc. Lost luggage, delayed and cancelled flights....things almost always go wrong with United. I fly them only when I have no choice. My Google news feed sends me nearly daily, "United Airlines messed up again today," stories.

So we have had this trip for Dinger booked for weeks. I have a toddler in one hand, a plate of brownies in the other and as I'm locking the door Travis says, "Hold on, I just got a message from my dad that the cargo drop off in Detroit it closed for the 4th." And did I mention, around this time the cell phone service went out because one of three wildfires around here burned down a cell phone tower. Long story short, after Travis spent a good hour on the phone with United reps who got annoyed with him (they are sooooo lucky they didn't have to chat with me) there was nothing they could do to reschedule the flight. Why were we not notified earlier? Because they had typos in Travis' contact email. We also learned that they would not actually fly him out of Detroit because they had also entered a typo in the kennel dimensions we provided. Sweet. So we went from getting our dog back in 24 hours with minimal fuss, to absolutely no one would fly our dog across the country. No one can take enough time off work to drive him from Michigan to Nevada. So I began making plans for a 5 day (that's only one way) trek to Michigan and back. I figured I would take breaks in Colorado at my family's place and again in Michigan at Travis' family's house. It worked out to be a 3 week trek with 10 days of driving. And I have to leave pronto, like, Monday. Because we want to have some time to settle Dinger in before we go on our vacation to Michigan. The one we have planned in August, the only time we can go before I'm too pregnant. The only time Travis and Lyra will get to see a good portion of family this year. I even thought about working my trip around that but we came up with something better.

After hours of planning and discussion and contacting friends and family, it has turned into a 2 week long vacation to Colorado/roadtrip with my brother. I am actually excited to go now. I mean, I don't think I would do this just for fun if I didn't have to right now, but still. So here's the rundown of the epic journey to come.

It takes 2 days of driving to get to Colorado. I will rot Lyra's brain with TV and bribe her with junk food along the way. I'm totally buying a car dvd player. We  even get to stop and see friends the one night we have on the road. I mean, I wasn't terrified to stay alone in a hotel with Lyra, but the extra security of staying in a friend's house is super awesome. Plus Lyra can meet a new buddy that evening to get some energy out.

Next step, we stay in Colorado for a few days to recover. That brings us to the weekend. I will leave Lyra for one overnight with my parents (my mom just proved she can handle Lyra overnight) while my brother and I drive to Nebraska. Travis' mom happens to have enough time off that she will drive 2 days to bring Dinger to Nebraska and then 2 days back to Michigan. Also, one of my good old school family friends happens to be in Nebraska, perfectly placed to meet for dinner. The kind of friend whose family calls and says, "Hey we are leaving tomorrow to come visit, is that cool?" Seriously that happened once. So par for the course to text this guy and say, "Hey so I'm coming through your town in like a week and half, can we chill?" And then text back an hour later and say, "Oh and my brother and mother and law and psycho dog are coming too. Just fyi."

So then with Dinger in tow, my brother and I will head back to Colorado, taking ridiculous pictures and video along the say. Then I'll spend some time visiting friends and family and keeping Lyra out of cars before driving the 2 days home. I will make a couple weeks of my first trimester fly by, Lyra will only have 4 days of car travel, and I won't have to be gone the better part of a month.  Our only other option was to set Dinger loose, homeward bound style. He'd probably end up in Alaska though.

Oh did I mention my morning sickness sometimes makes me carsick? Wish me luck, guys. Send me all the toddler appropriate audiobook and podcast recommendations.

7 weeks

How preggo I am: 7 weeks 2 days, a week further along than with my miscarriage, progress.

Baby size: Blueberry sized, or comparable to a Brookesia Micra chameleon.

Morning sickness: Oh yeah. It has begun. I was trying to read Lyra a book about sharks when the overwhelming urge to toss my cookies. Super fun to have to go back to book reading immediately after vomiting. And it has happened on 2 separate occasions while reading that book. I made it six more days than I did with Lyra at least. But I may never read Hark! A Shark! again. It is clearly a cursed book.

Food cravings/aversions: Food in general is a bit hit or miss for me now. Bland crackery things are generally ok.

Other symptom: As my uterus has doubled in size, apparantly, my need to pee has grown proportionally.

Weight gain: Still haven't checked. But the bloat is considerably calmer and I look much less pregnant again. I'd include a picture but the blogger app is a piece of @#$&!% and really difficult to work with. I still have never found a good free blog platform that works well on a mobile device.

Sleep: Continuing to work on it, finally cut off night nursing Lyra for good. We were down to just morning sessions but I'm tired of it and it hurts.

Mood: Frankly, I feel quite pissed off lately. It's hard to describe how much constant nasuea can mess with your head and mood. I mean, yes, there is some research that suggests morning sickness is a good sign that a miscarriage is much less likely. But that's not a 100% sure deal and I'm not that selfless. It still is shitty. I have no reason to think it will go away after the first trimester (with Lyra it stuck around well over halfway) but I can hope. I think it's slightly better this time just because I've done it once before and I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Someday I will not be sick every single day, someday food will taste good again, someday the thought of vomiting will not be the primary thought in my head. But also it is worse because I know what is in my future. And I've been feeling sick every day for 2 weeks now already and it is already getting old. Also it's hot out and Lyra is very much in toddler mode, 95% of my day is saying some form of the word "No."

Gender: Nobody knows, my running survey tally is girl: 1, boy: 1.

Lyra stats: Oh my god. So much sass lately. She wants to be so independent and I'm so exhausted from chasing her. Sharing is her biggest challenge these days but she's always so excited to go see friends which is fun to see.

What I miss: Still beer, also enjoying food.

Best moment this week: Probably my winning parent moment of the week. Lyra took off down a hill at the park that she always runs down and I always tell her not too run down and that I always hate chasing her down. So this time I mostly caught up and just gave her a light shove to knock her over and end the chase. I felt kind of like an asshole after I realized I'd impulsively shoved my one year old. Down a hill. In my defense she's nearly two and she thought it was hilarious and cackled hysterically as I carried her back up the hill.

Looking forward to: Hopefully getting more sleep as Lyra adjusts to no night nursing.

6 weeks

How preggo I am: 6 weeks and 5 days! Officially due on the 13th of February ❤

Baby size: 6 mm according to our ultrasound. The size of a chocolate chip, a blueberry, or a ladybug

I no longer look 20 weeks pregnant!

Morning sickness: Yeppppp. No puking yet, just one moment of dry heaving before breakfast as the cat wove around my ankles and Roxi whined for attention and as my toddler attempted to herd us all out of her way so she could shut the bathroom door while shouting, "aye-ughs, aye-ughs!" in my ear. Toddler speak for "Why are my morning eggs not yet cooked, servant?" Obviously.

Food cravings/aversions: Basically we have reached the, "All food sounds disgusting," phase. We try to watch TV at dinner now because it is easier to eat if I am distracted from having to taste it. I do still like sushi and watermelon though.  I had half a watermelon for lunch recently.

Other symptom: The heartburn and bloat have eased up a good deal, thankfully. I look much less pregnant again. I do however have this constant unpleasant taste in my mouth, that's a completely new one. And omg. Nursing is getting way more painful than I anticipated.

Weight gain: Still not a clue.

Sleep: Well Travis was gone this week and the cat chose to have a psychotic breakdown due to his absence.  I had to lock her in her kennel and place her in the guest bathtub, turn on the bathroom fan, close 2 doors, and turn on my personal white noise machine to the bacon sizzles setting to block her out. Now that hes back, she meows 2 or 3 times and settles in. And Lyra decided to get some teeth or something. So 2 nights this week were 2 to 3 hours of sleep nights which was a bit rough.

Mood: Mostly happy and hopeful tempered with a heavy dose of "I'm so fucking tired I have to stay on my feet and clean or I'll fall asleep instead of watching Lyra," and "I'm so happy I feel pregnant and nauseous but I don't want to throw up until I clean the toilets." So my house is clean,  that's nice.

Gender: I have one friend's vote in for boy so far. Any other guesses?? We (OK, I) have dubbed the baby, "Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All." Because Doctor Who.

Lyra stats: Still being Lyra this week.

What I miss: Still beer. And also wine. And my motivation to do anything.

Best moment this week: Getting our ultrasound! I mean, mostly baby was still way blobby but seeing that heartbeat was a big relief. And not seeing twins was a comfort, frankly. Plus the ultrasound tech let me pee before the exam, huge perk when they have told you to come in with a full bladder but you've slightly overdone it. So that was an extra awesome ultrasound experience. Also I have a posterior placenta this time apparently! Exciting because last time it was anterior (between the front of my belly and Lyra) and I didn't get to feel kicks very early on. Hopefully this one I get some earlier ones!

Our little blobby! The little black dot on the left is the brain. The right half of the big blob is the yolk sack, the left half is Stormageddon! 

Looking forward to: Being a little more in touch with how big Stormageddon is and being able to relax a little more.

And of course, our Facebook announcement. 

Week 4/5 ??

How preggo I am: I am somewhere between 4 to 5 weeks, still slightly questionable on the timeline due to not tracking and no period after the miscarriage. I have an ultrasound in 2 weeks and hopefully I can pin down the due date a bit. Sometime been the 10th and 16th of February, a Valentines baby!

Baby size: Somewhere between poppy seed and apple seed sized. Or somewhere between a water bear and a dot snail if we want to be slightly more unique.

Morning sickness: I think I'm starting to sense a hint of nasuea already but no puking, yaaaay! I'm hoping this is a good sign, I had no nasuea with the miscarriage  but toooons with Lyra starting around 6 weeks.

Food cravings/aversions: Horseradish. Specifically cocktail sauce. I was eating that with a spoon in Vegas before I knew I was pregnant.

Other symptom: Heartburn. I had a bit with Lyra in the beggining weeks but not this much. And bloat. I seriously look about 20 weeks pregnant (going off my Lyra scale) right now and it's really uncomfortable. I think it is really noticeable for me because I had bloat with the miscarriage that disappeared for a few weeks before I immediately got pregnant and bloated again. Didn't have this with Lyra if I'm remembering right. Oh, and I'm definitely on the must pee every hour train again.

Weight gain: I didn't track this with Lyra and I think I will only track this when I go to appointments. I struggled a lot with anorexia in the past so I don't keep a scale in the house anymore. But I feel comfortable finding out my weight with this baby. I'm starting out around 130 pounds.

Sleep: Soooo tired. But also I don't get to sleep in anymore. Travis is working on night wake ups with Lyra now, though.

Mood: Mostly happy and trying to enjoy myself but somewhat stressed/worried about these early few weeks.

Gender: I will be attempting to resist the temptation to find out because Travis really wants a surprise. We will see how that one works out. 😂

Lyra stats: MAJOR progress. She falls asleep in her own bed for nap and bedtime as long as one of us sits in the corner. Still working on night wakeups. She is still nursing but we're cutting back slowly since I'm tired of nighttime nursing and starting to get really sore, thanks to pregnancy hormones.

What I miss: Beer.

Best moment this week: Since this is my first post, I'm going to say finding out I am pregnant.

Looking forward to: Getting our first ultrasound and hopefully some peace of mind and a strong baby heartbeat.

My before picture, you really can't tell how bloated I am in a loose shirt. I wanted a cutesy in front of the barn door instagramey picture. I got a toddler and dog photo bomb instead. 

My face when I pulled my shirt tight and saw how bloated I was. Seriously, it is ridiculous. And it is as uncomfortable as it looks. 

No but really, I was 21 weeks and some change on the left with Lyra. What is happening. 

Accidentally on Purpose

I'm writing this a few days after finding out we are pregnant again. I was torn between writing right away or waiting until we get an early ultrasound and see a heartbeat or we miscarry again. But then I was thinking well, we may miscarry after a heartbeat. Really anything can happen at any time so I'm going to do my best to be optimistic or at the very least, enjoy the time I do have. I would write out my feelings if I miscarried again, why shouldn't I write now too? This one feel different. But then again hindsight is 20/20. I had 3 miscarriage dreams the last pregnancy though, one the morning my miscarriage started. I'm also trying not to read into that though because it is on my mind now and I very well may have more of those dreams. And I dreamed Lyra was a boy 3 times when I was pregnant with her, never once dreamed she was a girl, and look how that one turned out.

I hadn't gotten my period yet after the miscarriage so I'm a little fuzzy on how far along I am. You can skip this paragraph if you don't want the numbers breakdown and internal monologue/debate of mine. I started spotting the 29th of April, bleeding the 3rd of May, and finally had the last day of spotting from the miscarriage on the 11th. The 11th was when I was very sure the pregnancy home test was negative as well. I also had blood tests so I know my HcG (the hormone home pregnancy tests look for, that is less than 5 in a non pregnant woman) was 25 on the 9th. From all that I was assuming my new cycle would start around the 12th, meaning conception could occur around the 26th and the earliest I could possibly get a positive (the kind you can barely see and may drive you bonkers squinting at it...aka the kind I got with my last 2 pregnancies) test would be the 3rd of June. Still only 8 days post ovulation for those of you familiar with the baby making crazies. Since we were going to Vegas the 31st, we made the decision to wait to test until after our trip. And I decided I didn't want to drive myself crazy with testing and tracking ovulation because I knew this cycle could be weird. Plus we wanted to enjoy ourselves in Vegas. I didn't want to skip drinking for phantom lines and disappointment. The morning we were set to leave Vegas I caved, tested, and I got a strong positive test on June 3rd. Now they say that the strength of the pregnancy test has nothing to do with how far along you are, but I've noticed a huge difference personally, between the early 3 week days where you can barely tell if you have a line and you might debate a bit, and the quick and strong lines that show up around 4 weeks or so. June 3rd by my figuring I would have only been 3 weeks along which seems real early for a good positive. But who really knows. My midwife said her estimation was that conception was around the 20th or earlier which would put me due almost a week ahead of my figuring. I guess she's thinking 10 days after HcG went to 0? And I guess if you count the day I started my miscarriage as my new cycle date I would have been 4.5 weeks on June 3rd. That one seems the least likely. I don't know. Pregnant right after a miscarriage is confusing but I'm so glad it happened this way. Not having a fairly accurate due date yet is making me a bit stressed but I also can't really count what day pregnant I am and that's forcing me to chill a bit. (Future Miriam edit here. I was pretty darn close with my final estimate I settled on. I guessed valentines day, my ultrasound says the 13th. About as spot on as you can get considering measurement error and having no set cycle date to start with.)

Anyway, we were both excited to see the positive and I wasn't too sad to skip the mimosas that last day. Turns out I think I have been unknowingly living with a dairy intolerance for years. I was off dairy for a while with Lyra nursing but I keep trying to add it back in because cheese and chocolate and butter are basically my 3 favorite foods. And everytime I'm very sorry I made the attempt. I guess I just thought random digestive problems were normal and I was feeling better lately just by forced healthier eating habits from having an allergy baby. Oops. So that sucks. I suspect we can both handle some of the protein up to a certain point. We both handle goats milk just fine (it has the least amount of the milk protein coincidentally 🤔) and she isn't bothered by dairy in breastmilk. I just can't find a safe threshhold for myself, so better to be off it fully and not tempt myself into overindulgence. But I had a good last hoorah with dairy and alcohol before leaving Vegas. So that timing was great.

I keep getting sidetracked so I guess this will be more a general update not just a, "Hey I'm knocked up again but more on purpose and less accidentally this time," post. It's nice to know we appear to be pretty darn fertile people, it just remains to be seen if we can usually make babies who can stick around long enough. We got one though, so that's a good sign. The next one will hopefully be just as stubborn!

Speaking of, Lyra is in full toddler mode now. We have at least 5 meltdowns a day because she wants, "Keem" (diary free ice cream) all the time. She wants to pick out wildly inappropriate clothing and shoes (think fleece pants and sparkly dress shoes for playing on the playground when it is 90 degrees out). And she wants to be like me and wear all my jewelry and do her nails.  She also climbs everything and always has at least one bruise or cut.  She's still obsessed with sharks and now Curious George or "eeeiii eeeiii" because that's the sound monkeys make.  She has started to eat more and nurse less. And her favorite food is still sushi. "Susu" could be an everyday meal at our house. The ladies at the sushi place in town recognize us all. "She came in with your mom the other day and ate 3 things of salmon all by herself!" Yep, thats my kid. Travis has been taking over bedtime and we are just no longer nursing in bed before bed or nap because it takes waaaay to long and everyone needs more sleep. She's even starting out in her own room every night now that we're in our new house. We really wanted that to happen before the next baby. My mom staying with Lyra for 3 nights while we were in Vegas really helped kick-start that process.

Travis is enjoying his new job. (That's basically all the updates you'll get out of him 😂).

I'm in a weird almost zen mood about things. I have moments of intense anxiety but mostly it's just moments. I'm about done peeing on sticks since I feel reassured about the little baby now. I've nicknamed the little fetus Stormageddon for now. Both because we love Doctor Who and because I need a good gender nuetral nickname if we're going to stick to this not finding out all the info we can about this little one. I'm planning on doing some more regular blogging updates about this pregnancy. So hopefully you'll hear from us soon!

Here's Stormageddon! 6 weeks and 3 days, 6 mm long, crazy how tiny they start out. The left half of the big blob is actually the baby (the little black spot is the brain!), the right half is the yolk sack. 

Unnamed

This is not my usual funny post. Please don't read this if you aren't in a good place to handle a rather uncensored, emotional, and fresh account of miscarriage. Thus post is unnamed, because that's how my baby forever is, and will remain, unnamed and unfinished.This is just something I need to talk about because I'm a talker in the processing department. Plus, this happens. A lot. I don't want to look up statistics because will,  doctor google will only do me harm at this point, but somewhere around 30 percent of the time I believe. I know a lot of people who have had miscarriages. Way too many. 

This Easter Travis and I found out we were going to have another baby. Slightly earlier than anticipated but we were excited anyway. Even though this was an accidental baby, this was definitely a wanted and loved baby. We somehow managed to find out a week before my period was supposed to start, just like we did with Lyra. It happened that I didn't want to eat my egg at breakfast (I had a huge protein aversion while I was pregnant with Lyra) and Travis jokingly said, "Oh god, you're pregnant!" and that made me suspicious enough to pee on a stick. Especially because it was a holiday weekend and we found out about Lyra on Thanksgiving. We laughed at the timing because I had kept saying I absolutely never wanted to move at the same time I was pregnant ever again. We moved last time when I was 20 some weeks pregnant. So naturally 2 weeks before our new house closed was when I found out we were having another baby. We told my mom and Travis' immediate family early because we've always said we want support no matter what happens. And I hate keeping fun news in. We were waiting to tell my brother and dad in person because they would be visiting in a few weeks. Unfortunately that didn't happen as planned. My closest friends also knew because I consulted with them over my faintest of faint positive test lines. That's what happens when you have no patience and test really early, you can't always be sure for a couple days. Plus one friend was coming to visit the next weekend and I couldn't hide it as our plans included drinking.

My due date would have been December 28th. This holiday season is going to be a tough one and I really hope we have a baby well on the way by then. The hard part is, best case scenario, the next baby won't be due until valentine's day. Best case scenario, I will barely be in my 3rd trimester when I should have been giving birth. this baby seemed real a lot quicker, than Lyra did probably because we've had a baby before, so it seemed less theoretical and was easier to picture.

The weekend we moved, I was 5 weeks pregnant. Lyra was sick so I had to cancel babysitters. We were in a rush to get everything moved in one weekend because of Travis' schedule and we didn't want to rent a u-haul more than once. Plus we wanted to get the bulk of it out of the way before morning sickness hit. And we've been moving since November so we were just so ready to be in this house. So Travis did all the heavy lifting and I put Lyra in the carrier on my back and moved everything I could manage. I started having light brown spotting on Sunday, mid move. I know logically, that you can't cause a miscarriage. I know that. I know that. But I can't stop feeling guilty, which is not a good feeling. Everyone says, "You can't cause a miscarriage, but take it easy." How do you do that when you have 25 pounds of toddler running around? Obviously, we were worried but I kept hoping I just overdid it and irritated my cervix or something minor like that. I talked to a midwife and scheduled an ultrasound. But we had to wait until Friday, when I would be 6 weeks because you can't really see much before then, and we didn't want to stress unnecessarily by getting an ultrasound when our baby was too small to see. I tried to take it easy, as easy as you can with a toddler during a house move. Then Tuesday night I dreamed I was having a miscarriage. I woke up on Wednesday,  had a gush of brown blood first thing in the morning and called Travis' mom (she's an OB nurse). We all still tried not too worry too much yet, it was just one gush and it was old blood. I took Lyra to the park to play to try and stay distracted. I started to feel a little crampy there and that's when I really started to worry but still really hoped things would be ok. I was in denial, really,  I knew it was over but it's hard not to hope.

When we got back from the park for lunch, I saw our sprinkler was broken and leaking water. Expensive water. Not a really important detail but it made me a whole different kind of stressed. And it is one of those weird little details that I focused in on and I will remember forever. As soon as I got inside and headed to the bathroom, I knew I was probably miscarrying. I was bleeding the same amount of blood I would during a period, not just spotting anymore. I didn't have the horror story of insane bleeding through pads and lots of clotting like a lot of people have told me about. Or cramping.  But I don't know why. Maybe because it was really early. My baby was the size of a chocolate chip at most. If it was developing correctly. I kind of think it wasn't, thats at least a little easier for me to think about than imagining our baby had a heartbeat already. I haven't had any cramping since having Lyra. So even the very light cramping was enough to make me know something was wrong. My cycles are always quick too, just 2 or 3 days. And Lyra's birth was fast. So I think my uterus is just efficient. My body likes to be an overachiever (like with my milk supply). Physically it seems like I "lucked" out, I guess. It isn't really lucky though. And I definitely don't want to minimize someone else's 6 week miscarriage. I'm just looking for my things to be grateful for, and my physical experience and recovery is one of them.

But I can't describe to you, how horrible it is to try and be a half decent parent to a little person who is 1 and a half years old while someone who is 27 days old is dying inside of you.

It's hard to explain what it is like when you're trying to hold it together because you have a tiny human to care for but you're falling apart. I stuck Lyra in front of the tv with some candy and just kind of lost it. She is young enough she wasn't super upset by my meltdown but you could tell she definitely knew something was up and was thrown off by everything going on. She sat quietly eating candy and watching tv for the better part of an hour. She isn't like that normally. I felt super alone but I didn't want to call anyone until I reached Travis. It took me probably 20 or 30 minutes to get a hold of him and then he had over an hour drive home. I texted one of my best friends though. I just couldn't face calling any of my mom people. It also felt less real if I didn't tell anyone. So I'm just pacing the house, crying, making macaroni and fake cheese and doing and redoing the math of how long I can wait for Travis before calling someone else. And then there was this weird tiny part of me that couldn't stop panicking about getting the sprinkler water shut off which wasn't very rational. Like it was a metaphor for everything that was flowing uncontrollably away from me. 

So while I waited for Travis I also started calling midwives, scheduling ultrasounds, and making lunch for Lyra. We tried a nap but I couldn't make it work. Travis is very calm in crisis and when he got home he put Lyra down for a nap and looked at the sprinkler and I tried to nap. I was so tired. Tired like I have never been before. I wanted to sleep for a year and wake up when it was all over. I'm not one to ever feel suicidal, that truly just is not me, but it is the closest I've ever come to viscerally understanding that feeling. I was just completely spent, I had no more left in me. I had an awful headache from crying and I ended up throwing up. Non dairy mac and cheese to be specific. Not pleasant. And I kept thinking, "I should be doing this in a day or two when morning sickness hits, not now." I think the nasuea was from crying or just thinking about what was happening, or all of it combined. I mean, how do reconcile the awfulness that is pasing the matter that was supposed to be a baby into the toilet? What do you do with that? What option is there? Those were some morbid thoughts I never wanted to have.  But honesty the headache and vomiting was the most physically painful part of the process. I feel guilt about even that experience. Shouldn't loosing a baby be the most physically excruciating experience of my life? Well it wasn't. Not even close. Not even top ten, physical pain wise. I wanted it to be, I wanted to feel some sort of sense of utterly painful loss, not this insignificant crap. Birth to Lyra was worse, getting my  wisdom teeth out was much worse, getting my iud in was worse, first period post iud (alone on my first tour of the slope freaking out because I was surrounded by men and was afraid I was having a miscarriage then and was in sooooo much pain and trying to remain professional at the same time) was much worse, rheumatic fever was worse, even having my hand roller bladed over when I was 12 was worse. Unpacking our stuff and finding the shirt we got Lyra that said, "Oh deer, I'm going to be a big sister," buried in clean bedsheets, complete with plaid deer, that was excruciating.

After the vomit episode, Travis and I got a nap in. I went in to cuddle and nurse Lyra when she woke up after a while (she is finally moving into her own room). When Lyra and I woke up, I found Travis wandering the house confused about where I had gone. Somehow, that seems poignant too.

Waiting for Friday's ultrasound was hard. I couldn't help but hope that I just had a bleed because that happens too. Or that I was miscarrying a twin. Not that I wanted to miscarry any baby, I just kept hoping we would have at least one healthy one left in there. But I was also trying to be realistic and not get my hopes up just to be crushed again. And hearing other people's stories made me stressed that I would need a D&C. I was bleeding a lot but I just didn't know what was supposed to be normal for a miscarriage. We were able to have a friend watch Lyra Friday, which made things so much easier. And the ultrasound tech was nice. She showed me there was nothing there. I mean, peace of mind wise, I just needed to see. And indeed, there was just an empty uterus on the screen. In the ultrasound they were playing Katy Perry's weird alien sex song and Robin Thicke's rapey, "Blurred Lines." And oddly, I love both catchy songs. And I am so mad that both are ruined. What horrendously inappropriate music to play in an ultrasound room. It made me feel like I'd be that person at a funeral, who laughs hysterically and totally inappropriately. I still have to get blood drawn next week to make sure my hormones are dropping properly because they technically couldn't rule out an ectopic pregnancy. But that's not what's happening, I would be in a lot more, one sided pain. My uterus is apparantly "unremarkable." Fucking sweet.

The past few days have sucked. I keep crying randomly. We got the sprinkler shut off finally. And we are still slowly moving in to our house. We got some craft beer after the ultrasound and had a beer and pizza and movie night. But I really was sad I was able to drink. Lyra and the cat are being cuddly and sweet and helping lighten the mood. Friends and family are checking up on us. But I still just feel so indescribably awful.

The guilt is hard, feeling like it's something I did (I know logically it isn't). And also because it wasn't planned and I know so many people try so hard but it was so easy for us. And that's not something I can help, it's just how I feel. I thought about not posting this, but I want to acknowledge my lost baby somehow. And I always said miscarriage is something that needs to be talked about. I've just been a little taken aback by how private I do feel about it when I'm such an open person. But in the same breath I want to scream, "But I am supposed to have two babies now, not one." And then I immediatly feel like an awful mother to Lyra, because she IS enough. And the immense weight of the guilt of this was "just" and accidental second baby. Plenty of people would be more than content with just my one Lyra.

Also, I get ahead of myself and worry. That it will be really hard for us to get pregnant again or that this will happen over and over. The unknown makes me crazy.  My mom had 4 miscarriages. She was pregnant 6 times and only had 2 children. That is TERRIBLE. I want to be like my mother in all ways but this one thing.

I'm also already annoyed with limbo. We want a baby now, this changed our timeline for sure. However, who know how long this will take. Still just sitting here bleeding and having to think about it every time I pee. It isn't a quick think, it has to drag on. And it hasn't even been more than a few days yet. Also who knows when my cycle will go back to normal. I'm trying to brace myself for not getting my hopes up if my period doesn't come back for 6 weeks or who knows how long. Plus, I want to watch and make sure I get a negative pee stick after this because I don't want leftover hormones to trick me. Not to mention we have a trip to Vegas planned at the end of the month (we are ditching Lyra with my mom for the first time ever!) and we want to just relax and enjoy ourselves. But that brings me to the funniest moment we've had the last few days (because sometimes you just need to laugh). I told Travis for the next little while I just want to not be tempted to overthink and stress and pee on all the sticks and track ovulation. However, we both know my lack of self control in that area. So I decided I'm locking them in the safe in our bedroom closet and Travis is taking the key to work until after Vegas at least. I told Travis this 100% serious and logical plan of mine and he laughed so hard. He said, "I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you, really. It's just that, can you imagine, we die before we open the safe and everyone goes on the hunt for the key to open this mysterious safe. Then they open expecting money and valuables but all that's in there is a bunch of pregnancy and ovulation tests!" But I still think they're going in the safe, haha.

With all that said, if I manage to get pregnant, first cycle post miscarriage (unlikely), I may have a hard time making a due date guess, since I won't have a last period or ovulation date to go off of, and I will barely be finding out I'm pregnant before I should have been entering my second trimester with this baby. Not fair.

I'm trying to find the good things in all this because that's how I'm coping. Like I said before, I don't want to minimize anyone else experience or presume that the things that help me help anyone else.  It has been comforting to have Lyra. Not that I didn't want this baby just as badly as I wanted Lyra, just that I know I can get pregnant (easily so far), and can carry a healthy baby largely complication free to her due date.

And it's helped that this miscarriage happened early on. I didn't have as long to adjust to the idea of a new baby, I never felt this baby kick or heard it's heartbeat. Though that also sucks in its own special way. I don't have any ultrasound picture for this baby, I don't know if it was a boy or a girl, or even if it was nothing more than a bunch of cell with the wrong number of chromosomes completely incompatible with life or a blighted ovum or whatever the hell else crazy biology can do.

It's also helped that this was unplanned, again, not that we wanted it any less. Just that I didn't have the first 3 weeks of my cycle hoping for a baby. I don't feel like time was wasted in a failed attempt at making a baby. And finding out we were pregnant was a little more nervewracking because we weren't planning it and we had to have that talk of, "Soooo...how are you feeling about all this??" when it happened.

I'm glad we are at the tail end of our move with friends in this town. Had this happened a few months ago in temporary housing when we had no one here to help with Lyra or to talk to, that would have been even worse. I'm so relieved that my state of mind is in a much healthier place than it was in January or February.

So there you have it. This has been an awful week and we have some pretty crappy first memories in our new house. But, we have come much closer to the end of our moving process and will hopefully (never say never) not be moving in the near future. We have a house we love for making good memories in.  We have lots of fun things coming up (I won us a trip to the Tahoe area) and family coming to visit. Summer well on the way, our dogs will be returning to us shortly and our cat is not lost.

So everything is not terrible.

Everything is not terrible.