Tuesday, August 1, 2017

It Is Over. Serious Miscarriage Trigger Warning for This Post.

I'm blown away by all the support everyone has shown us this last day. It's been a really intense 48 hours or so. My last post has over 1700 views. In less than 24 hours. It is mind boggling to me. I don't even know that many people. More than anything I've ever written. And it's helping me process to just keep writing. I'm about to get more intense though, if you're squeamish or this triggers you then be warned. I wrote the first half of this this morning. The second half is bad, I am writing that tonight in the aftermath.

So it begins. Woke up with some cramping and bleeding today. Light so far but I'm sure it will pick up. My midwife offered a genetic test. So I'm going to do that. It's fairly gruesome, you have to collect the tissue and store it in your fridge. Anyone want to help me bleach my fridge next week? Seriously though, ugh.

My midwife sent me an email last night that I read at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep and was starting to feel crappy. The reason for the ultrasound was listed as threatened abortion. The ultrasound report said I actually measure 9 weeks and 5 days, the tech wasn't accurate. But still, not 12 weeks. No sign of fetal cardiac activity or movement; consistent with fetal demise. It all sounds so clinical. And I feel very betrayed by the math right now. At 9 weeks and 5 days, I only had a 2.8% chance of miscarriage. And like I said, somewhere between 2 to 5% chance that I'd have 2 miscarriages in a row. So naturally I'm wondering if something is wrong. Which factors into the question, when do we want to do this again? A question for another day but it feels like the elephant in the room.

I have a couple of options. Expectant management. Technical term for wait it out and see what happens. 1% chance of infection and could need a D&C later. D&C under general anesthesia. 2% chance of infection and possible scarring. Not my top choice. Anesthesia freaks me out. Also there is medical management. I can ask an OB for something to speed things up. Likely misoprostal. Though my midwife did mention this route was sometimes harder to get someone to prescribe for you which I don't understand. Plus I don't have an OB so this route could be harder. This was my plan but I am just going to wait now since I'm already cramping and starting to bleed.

I had to send Travis out for new Tupperware and a new sanitary baby potty this morning. Because I sure as hell am not using the toilet until this is over. No fucking way. I saw this baby's heartbeat, it is raspberry sized. It's another good reason for the genetic test in my mind, because what else are you supposed to do in this scenario? I don't think I could handle burying this baby in the yard or something. Plus I think that's illegal.

I can't lie, I have friends with similar due dates and it stings. I won't be very pregnant or maybe not even pregnant at all when my first due date passes. That helped the last time but not so much now.

I plan on getting a tattoo in a couple weeks. Probably on our Michigan visit. A Lyra constellation and 2 shooting stars is my thought. I just have to figure out the look of it. But it seems fitting for remembering all my littlest babies short little lives and my daughter's sure to be memorable one.

9 weeks, 5 days. I was driving from Lincoln back to Colorado that day. I'm going to imagine it happened in the quiet moments when I was driving alone, Jeri and Martin peacefully asleep. I wasn't really alone, but I was by myself. I was listening to my favorite music having some quality reflecting time to myself. It was peaceful at least.

This next part, this second part is going to be graphic because it just is what it is. You deserve a second warning though. My baby died inside me and I'm not worried about what anyone else is comfortable with me saying. It really freaking sucked and this is my therapy but you can choose whether or not you read it.

So. Let's get to it then. I started bleeding and cramping this morning and I went and hid in the bathroom. I wanted to be alone. Travis watched Lyra and I texted when I needed moral support or whatever. I planned on taking a shower but I started cramping more and realized that idea was out. I had this silly pink ladybug potty for 3 year olds that I camped out on. Not super comfortable to tell the truth. And my Tupperware dish to collect stuff. At one point I got up and I felt a pop. I knew at that point that it was about to get real really fast. It felt like a diluted version of when my waters broke with Lyra. That's exactly what it was. I started to pass big clotty masses is the best way to describe it. And watery blood. So much of it. It's really astounding. I pretty quickly gave up on keeping anything clean. The bathroom looked like a crime scene, blood on the floor, the toilet, me. Everywhere.

And then there was a baby. I knew the second it happened, it was so distinct. It's one of those moment you never want to remember again but you'll never forget. At that point my needing to be alone was over. I had Travis park Lyra in our bedroom with a tablet and we just sat and cried and I kept bleeding. I thought things were tapering off. I'd collected somewhere between a cup and a quarter and a cup and a half of blood and tissue and just everything. We were in touch with our midwife by text and she was making plans to come pick everything up for genetic testing. I had a friend on the way who picked Lyra up for us. Thank goodness for that timing.

I decided to move to the toilet at that point because we thought the worst was over and I had to pee. I'd just been too afraid to do that while in the intense part of the process. That's when shit got real, fast. The second I relaxed I started to pass an insane clot and so much blood. It was like softball sized and took a while. I was so panicked. Travis was right there luckily. I told him we needed to go to the hospital immediately. And then I got lightheaded and felt so hot and weak. While Travis called our midwife to find out what hospital to go to, I managed to put on a pair or those intense absorbent period underwear, a pad and a pair of black althletic pants. I can think in a crisis. I knew I'd likely bleed through it and I wanted something tight and dark. I managed to kind of collapse in a chair after that, Travis tried to keep me awake while he figured out where to go and what to do.

We threw things together to leave so fast after that. Again I managed to have some sense and grabbed a pair of underwear and shorts and pads. Short shorts but at least I had another pair of something. We made the 40 minute drive to Reno and got checked into the ER pretty fast. I had some pretty dark thoughts along the way. I wasn't feeling as bad as I initially had been but I wasn't feeling good and I was worried. The walk to my room was the most horrifying of my life, I could feel blood soaking through everything. I could tell from Travis reaction that my face and noises where telling him what was happening. I literally was expecting to see a trail behind me. I completely soaked through a heavy pad, underwear and pants in the minute or two long walk back. We got a bag to take those clothes home in.

The doctors acted pretty quickly for that first bit. They got IV fluids going and the ER doctor I saw said almost immediately that he was pretty sure I probably had a piece of placenta stuck in my cervix and that was the issue. He said he needed to do a pelvic exam with a speculum and he'd very likely be able to get it out with minimal pain and that would fix things. So that's exactly what happened. It was the worst moment of the whole process probably. At least physically. It's so embarrassing to be in stirrups like that, bleeding all over the place. I was freezing from the IV and stress and blood loss. And I was scared. The doctor was clearly not in a total life or death rush but he said a few things like, "Time is off the essense here." Someone asked if they should wait for the ultrasound and he said that was a bad call. So that was scary to hear. Not that I didn't know that deep down. I was trying not to acknowledge that panic though. But the ER staff was wonderful, I'll give them that. I think the nurse held my hand part of the time, I can't really remember. And the doctor worked quickly but he didn't lie either. I asked if it was almost over and he just said it was going to take some time, there was a lot to clear out and bleeding to control first before he could even see. And of course, not only was there placenta stuck in my cervix, it was retained. So he had to gently pull for a while until it detached. But he was able to lean over and sort of talk me through and pull me out of it while he was working. Other than that I mostly tried to stare at the ceiling, squeeze Travis hand and wait for it to be over. I finally just told myself I had to relax and told my body to stop holding on, that it was time to let go. And that was, fittingly enough, the moment the placenta finally finished detaching. That was the last I really cried for a while. Possibly for tonight. It's too much to cry about right now.

So much blood when that was over. So fucking brutal. I saw the trash can and the floor, it was gruesome. They changed all the sheets, put down some material on the floor and somewhat mopped me up. I had blood on my feet. On my freaking feet, it was everywhere.

At some point our midwife came by and took everything for genetic testing. She told us we made the right call going in when we did. And that if we hadn't we would have had to go in later under dicier circumstances. We have to go tomorrow for a blood draw and to retrieve the abandoned jeep. If it isn't already towed by now.

So then we just waited ages for an ultrasound and then ages again for results. The ultrasound was more painful than usual. I think my poor vagina was just fed up with the abuse today. They finally told us everything was looking good, nothing else retained they could see and we could go home. When the doctor came in for a last chat he said my bleeding had been "immense." And that should not happen again.

I bled a lot when I first got up. It took some doing to slow it enough to get my clothes on. And the first bathroom trip made me rethink leaving the ER. But after that initial bit, things slowed down to really heavy period type status. I have a killer headache. Its even worse any time I'm not laying flat. And I'm feeling generally weak and crappy. I actually am not joking when I tell Travis to come check on me if I've been in the bathroom for longer than five minutes. My ears feel fuzzy when I get up. And my vision went a little weird for a bit after leaving the ER. But Travis is taking tomorrow off and I have another friend to watch Lyra tomorrow. Thank goodness for help.

It was all so brutal and fast and intense it will take some time to really catch up. I'm just reeling a bit. I was pregnant with no sign a single thing was amiss this past Sunday morning. It's only Tuesday night and it's all so over. I just weaned Lyra, this is really just ensuring that happens, I'm too worn out. My midwife said it was unlikely that my milk will come back in but not impossible. I sure hope it doesn't because that would just be a big fuck you from the universe. I also am praying I don't get an infection with all the testing and intervention that had to happen today. That would also be a big fuck you from the good old universe. I would think I shouldn't be that unlucky, but so far I have been.

Now I am settling in for the night. I've had food and a shower to really wash the blood off my feet. My cramping has mostly fully let up. I have a high pain tolerance it would seem. Travis cleaned the horror scene that was the bathroom. I'm probably going to watch some violent or scary t.v. Somehow that's good therapy for me. I can tell myself, hey, at least I'm not a zombie or on the run from a serial killer. It's the small things. I've had a constant flow of messages of support and solidarity. From best friends, family, old friends, acquaintances, people I don't even know. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry for sharing the gruesome and terrible reality, but honestly, I'm mostly just sorry it's happening to me. I loved this baby so much.

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