Saturday, May 6, 2017

Unnamed

This is not my usual funny post. Please don't read this if you aren't in a good place to handle a rather uncensored, emotional, and fresh account of miscarriage. Thus post is unnamed, because that's how my baby forever is, and will remain, unnamed and unfinished.This is just something I need to talk about because I'm a talker in the processing department. Plus, this happens. A lot. I don't want to look up statistics because will,  doctor google will only do me harm at this point, but somewhere around 30 percent of the time I believe. I know a lot of people who have had miscarriages. Way too many. 

This Easter Travis and I found out we were going to have another baby. Slightly earlier than anticipated but we were excited anyway. Even though this was an accidental baby, this was definitely a wanted and loved baby. We somehow managed to find out a week before my period was supposed to start, just like we did with Lyra. It happened that I didn't want to eat my egg at breakfast (I had a huge protein aversion while I was pregnant with Lyra) and Travis jokingly said, "Oh god, you're pregnant!" and that made me suspicious enough to pee on a stick. Especially because it was a holiday weekend and we found out about Lyra on Thanksgiving. We laughed at the timing because I had kept saying I absolutely never wanted to move at the same time I was pregnant ever again. We moved last time when I was 20 some weeks pregnant. So naturally 2 weeks before our new house closed was when I found out we were having another baby. We told my mom and Travis' immediate family early because we've always said we want support no matter what happens. And I hate keeping fun news in. We were waiting to tell my brother and dad in person because they would be visiting in a few weeks. Unfortunately that didn't happen as planned. My closest friends also knew because I consulted with them over my faintest of faint positive test lines. That's what happens when you have no patience and test really early, you can't always be sure for a couple days. Plus one friend was coming to visit the next weekend and I couldn't hide it as our plans included drinking.

My due date would have been December 28th. This holiday season is going to be a tough one and I really hope we have a baby well on the way by then. The hard part is, best case scenario, the next baby won't be due until valentine's day. Best case scenario, I will barely be in my 3rd trimester when I should have been giving birth. this baby seemed real a lot quicker, than Lyra did probably because we've had a baby before, so it seemed less theoretical and was easier to picture.

The weekend we moved, I was 5 weeks pregnant. Lyra was sick so I had to cancel babysitters. We were in a rush to get everything moved in one weekend because of Travis' schedule and we didn't want to rent a u-haul more than once. Plus we wanted to get the bulk of it out of the way before morning sickness hit. And we've been moving since November so we were just so ready to be in this house. So Travis did all the heavy lifting and I put Lyra in the carrier on my back and moved everything I could manage. I started having light brown spotting on Sunday, mid move. I know logically, that you can't cause a miscarriage. I know that. I know that. But I can't stop feeling guilty, which is not a good feeling. Everyone says, "You can't cause a miscarriage, but take it easy." How do you do that when you have 25 pounds of toddler running around? Obviously, we were worried but I kept hoping I just overdid it and irritated my cervix or something minor like that. I talked to a midwife and scheduled an ultrasound. But we had to wait until Friday, when I would be 6 weeks because you can't really see much before then, and we didn't want to stress unnecessarily by getting an ultrasound when our baby was too small to see. I tried to take it easy, as easy as you can with a toddler during a house move. Then Tuesday night I dreamed I was having a miscarriage. I woke up on Wednesday,  had a gush of brown blood first thing in the morning and called Travis' mom (she's an OB nurse). We all still tried not too worry too much yet, it was just one gush and it was old blood. I took Lyra to the park to play to try and stay distracted. I started to feel a little crampy there and that's when I really started to worry but still really hoped things would be ok. I was in denial, really,  I knew it was over but it's hard not to hope.

When we got back from the park for lunch, I saw our sprinkler was broken and leaking water. Expensive water. Not a really important detail but it made me a whole different kind of stressed. And it is one of those weird little details that I focused in on and I will remember forever. As soon as I got inside and headed to the bathroom, I knew I was probably miscarrying. I was bleeding the same amount of blood I would during a period, not just spotting anymore. I didn't have the horror story of insane bleeding through pads and lots of clotting like a lot of people have told me about. Or cramping.  But I don't know why. Maybe because it was really early. My baby was the size of a chocolate chip at most. If it was developing correctly. I kind of think it wasn't, thats at least a little easier for me to think about than imagining our baby had a heartbeat already. I haven't had any cramping since having Lyra. So even the very light cramping was enough to make me know something was wrong. My cycles are always quick too, just 2 or 3 days. And Lyra's birth was fast. So I think my uterus is just efficient. My body likes to be an overachiever (like with my milk supply). Physically it seems like I "lucked" out, I guess. It isn't really lucky though. And I definitely don't want to minimize someone else's 6 week miscarriage. I'm just looking for my things to be grateful for, and my physical experience and recovery is one of them.

But I can't describe to you, how horrible it is to try and be a half decent parent to a little person who is 1 and a half years old while someone who is 27 days old is dying inside of you.

It's hard to explain what it is like when you're trying to hold it together because you have a tiny human to care for but you're falling apart. I stuck Lyra in front of the tv with some candy and just kind of lost it. She is young enough she wasn't super upset by my meltdown but you could tell she definitely knew something was up and was thrown off by everything going on. She sat quietly eating candy and watching tv for the better part of an hour. She isn't like that normally. I felt super alone but I didn't want to call anyone until I reached Travis. It took me probably 20 or 30 minutes to get a hold of him and then he had over an hour drive home. I texted one of my best friends though. I just couldn't face calling any of my mom people. It also felt less real if I didn't tell anyone. So I'm just pacing the house, crying, making macaroni and fake cheese and doing and redoing the math of how long I can wait for Travis before calling someone else. And then there was this weird tiny part of me that couldn't stop panicking about getting the sprinkler water shut off which wasn't very rational. Like it was a metaphor for everything that was flowing uncontrollably away from me. 

So while I waited for Travis I also started calling midwives, scheduling ultrasounds, and making lunch for Lyra. We tried a nap but I couldn't make it work. Travis is very calm in crisis and when he got home he put Lyra down for a nap and looked at the sprinkler and I tried to nap. I was so tired. Tired like I have never been before. I wanted to sleep for a year and wake up when it was all over. I'm not one to ever feel suicidal, that truly just is not me, but it is the closest I've ever come to viscerally understanding that feeling. I was just completely spent, I had no more left in me. I had an awful headache from crying and I ended up throwing up. Non dairy mac and cheese to be specific. Not pleasant. And I kept thinking, "I should be doing this in a day or two when morning sickness hits, not now." I think the nasuea was from crying or just thinking about what was happening, or all of it combined. I mean, how do reconcile the awfulness that is pasing the matter that was supposed to be a baby into the toilet? What do you do with that? What option is there? Those were some morbid thoughts I never wanted to have.  But honesty the headache and vomiting was the most physically painful part of the process. I feel guilt about even that experience. Shouldn't loosing a baby be the most physically excruciating experience of my life? Well it wasn't. Not even close. Not even top ten, physical pain wise. I wanted it to be, I wanted to feel some sort of sense of utterly painful loss, not this insignificant crap. Birth to Lyra was worse, getting my  wisdom teeth out was much worse, getting my iud in was worse, first period post iud (alone on my first tour of the slope freaking out because I was surrounded by men and was afraid I was having a miscarriage then and was in sooooo much pain and trying to remain professional at the same time) was much worse, rheumatic fever was worse, even having my hand roller bladed over when I was 12 was worse. Unpacking our stuff and finding the shirt we got Lyra that said, "Oh deer, I'm going to be a big sister," buried in clean bedsheets, complete with plaid deer, that was excruciating.

After the vomit episode, Travis and I got a nap in. I went in to cuddle and nurse Lyra when she woke up after a while (she is finally moving into her own room). When Lyra and I woke up, I found Travis wandering the house confused about where I had gone. Somehow, that seems poignant too.

Waiting for Friday's ultrasound was hard. I couldn't help but hope that I just had a bleed because that happens too. Or that I was miscarrying a twin. Not that I wanted to miscarry any baby, I just kept hoping we would have at least one healthy one left in there. But I was also trying to be realistic and not get my hopes up just to be crushed again. And hearing other people's stories made me stressed that I would need a D&C. I was bleeding a lot but I just didn't know what was supposed to be normal for a miscarriage. We were able to have a friend watch Lyra Friday, which made things so much easier. And the ultrasound tech was nice. She showed me there was nothing there. I mean, peace of mind wise, I just needed to see. And indeed, there was just an empty uterus on the screen. In the ultrasound they were playing Katy Perry's weird alien sex song and Robin Thicke's rapey, "Blurred Lines." And oddly, I love both catchy songs. And I am so mad that both are ruined. What horrendously inappropriate music to play in an ultrasound room. It made me feel like I'd be that person at a funeral, who laughs hysterically and totally inappropriately. I still have to get blood drawn next week to make sure my hormones are dropping properly because they technically couldn't rule out an ectopic pregnancy. But that's not what's happening, I would be in a lot more, one sided pain. My uterus is apparantly "unremarkable." Fucking sweet.

The past few days have sucked. I keep crying randomly. We got the sprinkler shut off finally. And we are still slowly moving in to our house. We got some craft beer after the ultrasound and had a beer and pizza and movie night. But I really was sad I was able to drink. Lyra and the cat are being cuddly and sweet and helping lighten the mood. Friends and family are checking up on us. But I still just feel so indescribably awful.

The guilt is hard, feeling like it's something I did (I know logically it isn't). And also because it wasn't planned and I know so many people try so hard but it was so easy for us. And that's not something I can help, it's just how I feel. I thought about not posting this, but I want to acknowledge my lost baby somehow. And I always said miscarriage is something that needs to be talked about. I've just been a little taken aback by how private I do feel about it when I'm such an open person. But in the same breath I want to scream, "But I am supposed to have two babies now, not one." And then I immediatly feel like an awful mother to Lyra, because she IS enough. And the immense weight of the guilt of this was "just" and accidental second baby. Plenty of people would be more than content with just my one Lyra.

Also, I get ahead of myself and worry. That it will be really hard for us to get pregnant again or that this will happen over and over. The unknown makes me crazy.  My mom had 4 miscarriages. She was pregnant 6 times and only had 2 children. That is TERRIBLE. I want to be like my mother in all ways but this one thing.

I'm also already annoyed with limbo. We want a baby now, this changed our timeline for sure. However, who know how long this will take. Still just sitting here bleeding and having to think about it every time I pee. It isn't a quick think, it has to drag on. And it hasn't even been more than a few days yet. Also who knows when my cycle will go back to normal. I'm trying to brace myself for not getting my hopes up if my period doesn't come back for 6 weeks or who knows how long. Plus, I want to watch and make sure I get a negative pee stick after this because I don't want leftover hormones to trick me. Not to mention we have a trip to Vegas planned at the end of the month (we are ditching Lyra with my mom for the first time ever!) and we want to just relax and enjoy ourselves. But that brings me to the funniest moment we've had the last few days (because sometimes you just need to laugh). I told Travis for the next little while I just want to not be tempted to overthink and stress and pee on all the sticks and track ovulation. However, we both know my lack of self control in that area. So I decided I'm locking them in the safe in our bedroom closet and Travis is taking the key to work until after Vegas at least. I told Travis this 100% serious and logical plan of mine and he laughed so hard. He said, "I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you, really. It's just that, can you imagine, we die before we open the safe and everyone goes on the hunt for the key to open this mysterious safe. Then they open expecting money and valuables but all that's in there is a bunch of pregnancy and ovulation tests!" But I still think they're going in the safe, haha.

With all that said, if I manage to get pregnant, first cycle post miscarriage (unlikely), I may have a hard time making a due date guess, since I won't have a last period or ovulation date to go off of, and I will barely be finding out I'm pregnant before I should have been entering my second trimester with this baby. Not fair.

I'm trying to find the good things in all this because that's how I'm coping. Like I said before, I don't want to minimize anyone else experience or presume that the things that help me help anyone else.  It has been comforting to have Lyra. Not that I didn't want this baby just as badly as I wanted Lyra, just that I know I can get pregnant (easily so far), and can carry a healthy baby largely complication free to her due date.

And it's helped that this miscarriage happened early on. I didn't have as long to adjust to the idea of a new baby, I never felt this baby kick or heard it's heartbeat. Though that also sucks in its own special way. I don't have any ultrasound picture for this baby, I don't know if it was a boy or a girl, or even if it was nothing more than a bunch of cell with the wrong number of chromosomes completely incompatible with life or a blighted ovum or whatever the hell else crazy biology can do.

It's also helped that this was unplanned, again, not that we wanted it any less. Just that I didn't have the first 3 weeks of my cycle hoping for a baby. I don't feel like time was wasted in a failed attempt at making a baby. And finding out we were pregnant was a little more nervewracking because we weren't planning it and we had to have that talk of, "Soooo...how are you feeling about all this??" when it happened.

I'm glad we are at the tail end of our move with friends in this town. Had this happened a few months ago in temporary housing when we had no one here to help with Lyra or to talk to, that would have been even worse. I'm so relieved that my state of mind is in a much healthier place than it was in January or February.

So there you have it. This has been an awful week and we have some pretty crappy first memories in our new house. But, we have come much closer to the end of our moving process and will hopefully (never say never) not be moving in the near future. We have a house we love for making good memories in.  We have lots of fun things coming up (I won us a trip to the Tahoe area) and family coming to visit. Summer well on the way, our dogs will be returning to us shortly and our cat is not lost.

So everything is not terrible.

Everything is not terrible.

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