I'm writing this a few days after finding out we are pregnant again. I was torn between writing right away or waiting until we get an early ultrasound and see a heartbeat or we miscarry again. But then I was thinking well, we may miscarry after a heartbeat. Really anything can happen at any time so I'm going to do my best to be optimistic or at the very least, enjoy the time I do have. I would write out my feelings if I miscarried again, why shouldn't I write now too? This one feel different. But then again hindsight is 20/20. I had 3 miscarriage dreams the last pregnancy though, one the morning my miscarriage started. I'm also trying not to read into that though because it is on my mind now and I very well may have more of those dreams. And I dreamed Lyra was a boy 3 times when I was pregnant with her, never once dreamed she was a girl, and look how that one turned out.
I hadn't gotten my period yet after the miscarriage so I'm a little fuzzy on how far along I am. You can skip this paragraph if you don't want the numbers breakdown and internal monologue/debate of mine. I started spotting the 29th of April, bleeding the 3rd of May, and finally had the last day of spotting from the miscarriage on the 11th. The 11th was when I was very sure the pregnancy home test was negative as well. I also had blood tests so I know my HcG (the hormone home pregnancy tests look for, that is less than 5 in a non pregnant woman) was 25 on the 9th. From all that I was assuming my new cycle would start around the 12th, meaning conception could occur around the 26th and the earliest I could possibly get a positive (the kind you can barely see and may drive you bonkers squinting at it...aka the kind I got with my last 2 pregnancies) test would be the 3rd of June. Still only 8 days post ovulation for those of you familiar with the baby making crazies. Since we were going to Vegas the 31st, we made the decision to wait to test until after our trip. And I decided I didn't want to drive myself crazy with testing and tracking ovulation because I knew this cycle could be weird. Plus we wanted to enjoy ourselves in Vegas. I didn't want to skip drinking for phantom lines and disappointment. The morning we were set to leave Vegas I caved, tested, and I got a strong positive test on June 3rd. Now they say that the strength of the pregnancy test has nothing to do with how far along you are, but I've noticed a huge difference personally, between the early 3 week days where you can barely tell if you have a line and you might debate a bit, and the quick and strong lines that show up around 4 weeks or so. June 3rd by my figuring I would have only been 3 weeks along which seems real early for a good positive. But who really knows. My midwife said her estimation was that conception was around the 20th or earlier which would put me due almost a week ahead of my figuring. I guess she's thinking 10 days after HcG went to 0? And I guess if you count the day I started my miscarriage as my new cycle date I would have been 4.5 weeks on June 3rd. That one seems the least likely. I don't know. Pregnant right after a miscarriage is confusing but I'm so glad it happened this way. Not having a fairly accurate due date yet is making me a bit stressed but I also can't really count what day pregnant I am and that's forcing me to chill a bit. (Future Miriam edit here. I was pretty darn close with my final estimate I settled on. I guessed valentines day, my ultrasound says the 13th. About as spot on as you can get considering measurement error and having no set cycle date to start with.)
Anyway, we were both excited to see the positive and I wasn't too sad to skip the mimosas that last day. Turns out I think I have been unknowingly living with a dairy intolerance for years. I was off dairy for a while with Lyra nursing but I keep trying to add it back in because cheese and chocolate and butter are basically my 3 favorite foods. And everytime I'm very sorry I made the attempt. I guess I just thought random digestive problems were normal and I was feeling better lately just by forced healthier eating habits from having an allergy baby. Oops. So that sucks. I suspect we can both handle some of the protein up to a certain point. We both handle goats milk just fine (it has the least amount of the milk protein coincidentally 🤔) and she isn't bothered by dairy in breastmilk. I just can't find a safe threshhold for myself, so better to be off it fully and not tempt myself into overindulgence. But I had a good last hoorah with dairy and alcohol before leaving Vegas. So that timing was great.
I keep getting sidetracked so I guess this will be more a general update not just a, "Hey I'm knocked up again but more on purpose and less accidentally this time," post. It's nice to know we appear to be pretty darn fertile people, it just remains to be seen if we can usually make babies who can stick around long enough. We got one though, so that's a good sign. The next one will hopefully be just as stubborn!
Speaking of, Lyra is in full toddler mode now. We have at least 5 meltdowns a day because she wants, "Keem" (diary free ice cream) all the time. She wants to pick out wildly inappropriate clothing and shoes (think fleece pants and sparkly dress shoes for playing on the playground when it is 90 degrees out). And she wants to be like me and wear all my jewelry and do her nails. She also climbs everything and always has at least one bruise or cut. She's still obsessed with sharks and now Curious George or "eeeiii eeeiii" because that's the sound monkeys make. She has started to eat more and nurse less. And her favorite food is still sushi. "Susu" could be an everyday meal at our house. The ladies at the sushi place in town recognize us all. "She came in with your mom the other day and ate 3 things of salmon all by herself!" Yep, thats my kid. Travis has been taking over bedtime and we are just no longer nursing in bed before bed or nap because it takes waaaay to long and everyone needs more sleep. She's even starting out in her own room every night now that we're in our new house. We really wanted that to happen before the next baby. My mom staying with Lyra for 3 nights while we were in Vegas really helped kick-start that process.
Travis is enjoying his new job. (That's basically all the updates you'll get out of him 😂).
I'm in a weird almost zen mood about things. I have moments of intense anxiety but mostly it's just moments. I'm about done peeing on sticks since I feel reassured about the little baby now. I've nicknamed the little fetus Stormageddon for now. Both because we love Doctor Who and because I need a good gender nuetral nickname if we're going to stick to this not finding out all the info we can about this little one. I'm planning on doing some more regular blogging updates about this pregnancy. So hopefully you'll hear from us soon!
Here's Stormageddon! 6 weeks and 3 days, 6 mm long, crazy how tiny they start out. The left half of the big blob is actually the baby (the little black spot is the brain!), the right half is the yolk sack.
