Wednesday, February 28, 2018

25% Done!

How preggo I am: 10 weeks. I'm a quarter of the way there. Unless I go over, which Murphy's law says I will this time.

Baby size: Lego man size. Or prune sized. 1.25 inches approzimately

Morning sickness: I was going to say better and I think that caused a jinx.

Food cravings/aversions: I don't want to speak about food right now.

Other symptom: Sleeping through the night is no longer a thing for me again. I either have to pee or just have insomnia.

Weight gain: WELL. I have a story. I'm going to throw my mother in law under the bus here because lets be honest, she likes me more than she likes Travis at this point because I return her messages and keep up the supply of Lyra photos. Travis on the other hand has either blocked his mother on his phone or its got some mysterious malfunction he can't fix. So anyway, Travis is holding the tablet during a video chat with his family and panning around the room so they can see Lyra as she runs around. I am momentarily filmed and Meemaw (her grandma name) says something to the effect of, "Oh show Miriam again, are you showing??" I could practically see Travis do the face palm, "Mom...what...noooooo, why would you say that?" Now I wasn't greatly offended but I like to make people squirm. And because it is early and I'm not really showing. Like, sure my uterus is swelling up and shoving all my organs up a bit (check out this sweet interactive organ squishing tool) but I don't really want to think about that because it's as unpleasant as it sounds. So then she back pedaled for a while ("It was just the angle!") and I'll just keep this in my back pocket in case I need ammo.

The bump shot is hard with a toddler

Mood: I think I'm starting to feel the unpredictable crying coming on. I watched Cast Away for the first time and kind of lost my cool with the ending. Specifically, the unopened package. If you haven't watched it, the basic premise is man stuck on deserted island with a few assorted fed ex packages from his plane. He opens all but one that he keeps unopened with him for over 4 years and all the way through being rescued off his raft and returning to normal life. He returns it to sender without opening it. Who doesn't open a package for that long?? Seriously. I had to Google internet theories to find a satisfactory answer. Travis kept intentionally trying to argue with me about whether I really did know the answer to what's in the box. I was like, "Do you want me to wake you up at 2 am to argue about the contents of the box because I'm still so mad at you I can't sleep?" Sheesh.

Gender: So I really want to change this to say "sex" but then on first glance it looks like I'm writing about my sex life and that's not something I'd blog un-anonymously. So disappointingly enough the Panorama test results will not be back within the 5 to 7 calender days as advertised, they take more like 2 weeks according to their online tracker, my midwife, and various internet stories. Which is understandable but I'm mad they advertise differently. Also, I want to be clear here that the reason I'm anxious and kind of annoyed is not just I want to know if the baby is a boy or girl. I think I haven't necessarily made that very clear and I've focused on that because that's the fun part. That's not why I did this test. I think I've come off as impatient or superficial or something of the like. I did this test because I've had 2 miscarriages in the last year and I want to do what I can to know if this one is healthy or not. Finding out in 5 to 7 days meant finding out now, at 10 weeks, which when my last baby stopped having a heartbeat. Getting the all clear then would have been a huge relief. Finding out results in 2 weeks means finding out at 11 weeks after I have a week to wonder. I still should know before I hit 12 weeks which is when I actually miscarried that last baby, but its just frustrating to have been counting on reassurance that won't be coming. I haven't been dwelling on it too much, honestly, in all likelihood everything is fine. But it's hard not to wonder. The results from the genetic testing I was able to do from the last miscarriage was Turner's syndrome (only one X chromosome) which is generally a one time thing and not genetic which means we had bad luck. However, I did look into it a bit more with a much calmer, not clouded, not fresh off a miscarriage state of mind. Verrrrrry rarely Turner's can be genetic. And the last miscarriage happened from my side of things, the sole X chromosome Nova had was from Travis. The teeny fraction of Turner's syndrome that's genetically passed down happen's when the X chromosome deletion thing is isolated to the mom's egg cells. Now I'm not a geneticist and there wasn't much info I could find, but I'm pretty good at biology and I think I have the general idea. So generally, when the eggs are formed they split through meiosis and get left with one set of chromosomes (23 instead of 46 each) so that when they combine with the sperm cells (also 23 chromosomes) the little embryo gets left with the proper number of chromosomes, 46, and becomes a standard human. It is my understanding that with the genetically passed down Turners syndrome, the starter egg cell ( I don't recall the proper term) would start with 45 chromosomes (only one X chromosome) and it would be a 50/50 crap shoot if the final egg cell is the cell that ends up with the X chromosome or not. So I mean, could be possible I would think, I could still have a healthy kid (like Lyra), it would just be a luck of the draw thing. It seems to be rare enough that there isn't a bunch of research and really I don't have to worry about it. But it's that back of my mind thought that the genetic testing will put to rest soon which is why I want the dang results. So that was a long winded explanation but there you have it. I'm not just obsessing over baby boy or baby girl results, I just am slightly traumatized by the last couple pregnancies and I'd really like a reassurance that this one is free from the common chromosomal disorders. Or at the least, a heads up that things aren't going to go well. In any case, it's more pleasant to think about the penis or vagina thing.
Update: So after that rollercoaster, the Panorama results got back to my midwife last night. Everything came back low risk for the common genetic disorders! Definitely reassuring. And I know what I'm having! I'm still planning my sex reveal party for my birthday weekend to share that news.

Lyra stats: Lyra's new morning ritual is to cuddle in bed with me and watch stuff on the tablet for a while as I try and not vomit and motivate myself to wake up. Sometimes I feel guilty but I feel less so after the point Travis made when I mentioned that she's being raised by TV lately. He says it's fine because Daniel Tiger has better morals than we do anyway. Really it's for her own good.

What I miss: When Lyra was tiny enough to fit into all the old onsies I sorted through this week. Just kidding, I like her growing up. And this is why I'm having another one.

Best moment this week: The sweet freaking deals we got on baby gear because its sale and tax return season. Babies-R-Us does this trade in thing  twice a year where you bring in old stuff and get 25% off a new thing. Plus combined with making a registry and opening a card, it was an insane deal. We got the stroller that we can click an infant car seat into plus a couple extras for it (the second seat kid will be a purchase later this month with additional stuff we trade in) and a car seat for Lyra (I was not a fan of the old one). All told that should have cost us nearly 1000 but we got it all for 560. Less than the cost of just the stroller itself. Basically got a solid discount on a stroller plus a free car seat. Very much a win. I didn't really want to buy the double stroller this early but the deal was too good and right now it can work perfectly nicely as a stroller just for Lyra. I also caved and bought a rainbow newborn bonnet that will only get 2 weeks of use before the baby is too big. I don't know if I've mentioned but the theme for the nursery is rainbows. Gender neutral in my book. And also rainbow baby is the term for babies after loss, the metaphorical rainbow after the storm and all. Fitting even more considering I'd jokingly nicknamed Nova, "Stormageddon" before we knew she was a she.

Looking forward to: My sex party! And also I get to hear a Doppler heartbeat in 2 weeks. And go on a birthday girls trip. March should be a good month. About damn time, 2018. 

Thursday, February 22, 2018

9 weeks!

How preggo I am: 9 Weeks. And a day because I'm late writing this. Which also means I have no obscure time  measurement either.

Baby size: Pecan or grape sized, about an inch long and weighs 2 grams. Also the baby no longer has a tail and is starting to develop genitals. Weird.

Morning sickness: Slightly better? I'm still puking less which is a plus but I feel nauseous probably like 90% of the time. Blehhhh.

Food cravings/aversions: So weirdly tomatoes are ok right now. I've always liked tomato based things a lot as long as I can avoid the chunks of tomatoes. I'm not a fan of the texture, it makes me feel kinda queasy when I'm not pregnant. But it it somehow not a problem right now in the midst of morning sickness. I'm not going to question it.

Other symptom: Still so tired, having crazy dreams, peeing all the time and I think I'm getting some hearburn and bloat going on now. My life revolves around making sure I eat food and trying to not feel terrible after eating food or while too hungry. I'm tired of thinking about it. And my boobs hurt. Lyra is constantly digging her elbows into them when she leans against me or tries to lean on me to stand up or whatever. Toddlers know where you're weak spots are, I swear.

Weight gain: Who knows?

Mood: Still kinda moody....

Gender: I should know in a week! I took the blood test yesterday. I think the guy was inexperienced because my arm hurts real bad now. Also, I'm throwing a sex party. Not that kind. Seriously though, I'm having a taco bar and meatballs and weenies and having friends over to reveal what this one is. I got penis cookie cutters in the mail and vagina candy molds. I have so many good ideas for this. pictures will be included in one of the next couple posts.

Here's a cute picture of Lyra. Just so that the next 2 pictures aren't the default pictures that show up when I share this post :)

Vagina candy molds. I'm thinking gummies or ganache maybe.

And of course, penis cookie cutters. 

Lyra stats: This week was a boycott nap week, it was rough. Also, she's noticed she has nipples this week. Inexplicably she's started calling them "kks." I have no clue why or how she came up with this. She refers to my boobs as "boobs" or "milk" and I've never called nipples anything cutesy in front of her and I've even explicitly said to her, "Those are your nipples." But the consistent reply I get from her is, "No, mama, those kks!" Followed by her hysterical laughter. I guess she thinks she's making a joke?? Another weird Lyra habit lately is her tendency to lick people. Mostly because I always shriek, "Stop that, you weirdo! What are you doing?" and she thinks that's funny.

What I miss: Mimosa brunch.

Best moment this week: Today when Lyra fell asleep 5 minutes after I laid her down for nap.

Looking forward to: Finding out if I'm growing testicles or another vagina.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Captain's Log: 8 weeks

How preggo I am: 8 weeks. Only 0.9545 days on Mercury. Mercurian days??

Baby size: Wild strawberry, Pygmy seahorses, jelly bean sized. It's a little hard to visualise to be honest.

Morning sickness: The good news is I've been puking less. Still pretty constant nausea though which is not pleasant. I'm trying to drink an Ensure every morning before I get out of bed. Seems to help a teeny bit. But also I poured some all over my hair and in my ear one morning which was less than helpful.

Food cravings/aversions: Everything tastes awful with a few exceptions. I'm having trouble eating enough. It's this vicious cycle if I'm too hungry or too full I feel sick. But when I feel sick, I don't feel like eating.

Other symptom: I am still tired and having weird dreams. But nothing much else yet. My almost 5 week bout of viral illnesses is finally over. It's also crazy how different my pregnancies have all been. There hasn't been much in the way of bloat this time yet and that was never much of a problem with Lyra. The 2 miscarried pregnancies the bloat was awful. My boobs are starting to hurt this time but it's nowhere near as awful as the 3rd pregnancy. Though I was still nursing Lyra then so that may have contributed.

My thus far non existent bump. Not even a bloat bump like last time. I'm smiling funny because I can't feel half of my upper lip in this picture. Woohoo for dental work. 

Weight gain: Nothing so far as I know.

Mood: Still somewhat grouchy but not as bad since I'm feeling a bit better physically.

Gender: Unknown. One week until I take the test. I think it's a boy. My reasoning is that 2 out of the last 3 were girls (I don't know about the other one though) and I was wrong in both those cases. Therefore, it's about time I had a boy and it's about time I guessed right. So it's a boy. That's my guess.

Lyra stats: She cracks me up. Yesterday she got up from nap, came to the doorway of my room where I was relaxing in bed, and stood there for a good five minutes. Farting. Refused to come in which was fine by me once I realized what she was up to. Also she's been successfully transferred sleeping from her carseat to bed in the evening twice. Literally this has never happened before. And she got a new haircut with bangs. I think she looks a little like Matilda.

What I miss: Really, all I miss still is not feeling sick And enjoying food.

Best moment this week: I dyed my hair pink! That was fun. I do have a worst moment for the week too. So yesterday was my last old due date. I was paranoid something would go wrong and just sad about it. Because I should have been having a baby today or soon or have a newborn already. Instead I'm still in the middle of morning sickness and I have a month to go before I get past the last point I miscarried. So anyway, I decided since the day was crappy already I'd schedule a dentist appointment. Not sure if that was the right call or not. I have some fairly severe dental anxiety/phobia, especially since getting my wisdom teeth out. Also, morning sickness and heightened gag reflex plus dental work is not my favorite combo. I told my dentist that I would rather give birth than do wisdom teeth again so I think he realized I was nervous. It wasn't the worst, it turns out. But they had to use a hell of a lot of anesthesia shots. We went the overly catious route at first and ended up using some of the slightly less gentle anesthesia because I was not taking chances after a while. The kicker? My cavities are in weird unpredictable not patterned places and I have great teeth otherwise. So the dentist says pregnancies are probably to blame becuase apparantly that's another thing in your body that children affect. But anyway, success, didn't puke on the dentist or have a public meltdown or whatever. The bar is low.

Looking forward to: I'm getting a fetal Doppler in the mail! One of my friends actually won it for me so I'm not turning that down. That will hopefully be reassuring in a few weeks once I figure out how to track down the baby's heartbeat.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Why I'm Finding Out The Sex Of My Baby

So one of decisions that comes with pregnancy is deciding whether or not you want to find out before birth if you're having a boy or girl. So here are my reasons for finding out. I want to preface with I don't care what I get, and I intend to raise my kids as nuetrally as possible and let them figure out who they are. I know sex and gender are different and I think I'm fairly good at addressing all that when it comes to life and parenting but I'm just curious, am I growing a vagina or a penis right now?

1. I want to know. Plain and simple, speaks for itself. Really it's the only reason I need to give anyone but I'll list the others too.

I found this picture that really explain how I feel.

2. Sometimes pregnancy sucks. For me at least. I feel like I had a hangover for the first half and some change (at least with Lyra this was true). If you vomit every day for that long you'll start to get a little depressed and it's fun to find out if you're having a son or daughter. Plus it's stressful, worrying about if everything is ok with your little fetus, you need some perks. Plus the medical procedures related to having the baby happen to me. I get the ultrasonic wand up in my business everytime we need a look at the baby, I have to do the hard work evicting the kid from my uterus, and etc etc. It's not always a walk in the park and I want to have benefits too.

3. Naming the baby. This made bonding with Lyra easier for me. It makes things more real to switch from "it" to "he" or "she." Knowing Lyra was Lyra before I met her face to face made the bonding thing more concrete. Plus I have crafty friends who make cool shit. That's why Lyra has a Dalek and TARDIS themed blanket with her name embroidered on it. Those projects take time and that blanket was ready at birth.

4. Trigger warning here if birth trauma gets to you. My mom was put under general anesthesia for an emergency c-section when she had me. So she didn't get to meet me right away. Should something like this happen to me, I don't want everyone else at the birth finding out about my baby first and I don't want to be all groggy and drugged when I do find out.

5. Trigger warning for miscarriage here. So the last miscarriage was a late first trimester one and we were able to do screening after the fact to find out what the baby was. Well I mean, it was to look for genetic abnormalities but we also found out about her sex chromosomes. Finding out she was a girl after she was already gone was brutal. I want that to be a separate happy moment if at all possible this time around. But it did also help to have closure, knowing. It made it less of an intangible loss. So I would like to know in case of loss. And I want to know as early as I can for that reason.

6. I've done my waiting. 12 years of it. In Azkaban. Not really, but you get my point. I've already been waiting since last April. I still have a long way to go and I'm tired of waiting.

7. I get two days of excitement instead of one.  I hear a lot that it's so exciting to be surprised when you give birth. Well it's exciting anytime. There's enough going on the day you have that baby, finding out early just makes a second day amazing as well.

8. And for another counter argument, I hear the "avoid gender stereotyping" arguement. What's a few months when you have to fight that forever anyway? Plus you can still do gender neutral for clothes and nursery if you'd like. Anyone who knows me, knows I work really hard to not gender stereotype and sometimes I feel a little insulted by the arguement that's what you're doing or will do if you find out. I have a theme for this baby's room that doesn't depend on sex or gender. Lyra is just as likely to pick out her green train shirt or her blue shark shirt in the morning as she is the sparkly pink cat shirt or the tulle skirt with the hearts on it. I try really hard to let Lyra figure out Lyra and do whatever she wants, whether that be playing with baby dolls and helping do laundry to playing with race cars and helping Travis in the garage. It's important to me she understand that while I fit into the more traditional gender role right now,  that's fluid and it's by choice. So yeah,  I think finding out about my baby's chromosomes a couple months early does nothing to force them into any specific stereotype.

So that's my personal thoughts on the matter and why I'll be finding out early on. I should know in 3 weeks. That's so early, how cool is that?

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Captain's Log: 7 weeks

How preggo I am: 7 weeks. 47,040 moments pregnant. Because obviously a moment is 90 seconds.

Baby size: Raspberry or playing dice sized

Morning sickness: So sick. All the time nausea and throwing up like 5 times a day morning sickness. Way worse than any other pregnancy I've had so far.

Food cravings/aversions: Everything tastes awful and even if I want something in theory, it's hard to choke it down. Salt and vinegar chips were pretty good the other day though which was a nice break.

Other symptom: I am exhausted. And my dreams are getting crazy vivid. I had one involving murderous bison and hockey lately that was kinda bonkers.  Then there was also racquetball against Dumbledore and Snape. Also scrabble but in teams and in a wave pool and the letters were on wooden balls. And a lucid dream lately too which hasn't happened in a long time. I don't know that it's pregnancy related but my ribs have been hurting. Just this ring of pain around my upper torso. I'm just waiting and watching that for now .  It hurt really bad last night but chilled out a bit again. Maybe I pulled a muscle puking. That would be my life.

Weight gain: I haven't lost weight as of my trip to the doctor for yet another virus I came down with recently. I know I'm throwing myself a pity party lately but seriously, I was sick for 4 weeks and I'm just now finally getting better and I'm not convinced it will stick yet.

Mood: I'm channeling Regina George right now. I'm so mean.

Gender: Unknown. I'm going to take the Panorama test that will tell us this along with other genetic insights. So I should know in 3 weeks, when results come back.

Lyra stats: Honestly she's been pretty standard this week. She got to go to the zoo with Travis when I didn't feel well and had a blast apparently.

What I miss: Feeling good.

Best moment this week: The first ultrasound! I'm glad to see that there's only one baby, and it's measuring well (ahead by 4 days but my due date is not being changed) and has a heartbeat. It wasn't as exciting or as happy as the past early ultrasounds. I feel a lot more cautious about it because it feels less sure.  But good news is still good news to appreciate for now.

And there's the little baby!

Looking forward to: Finally not being sick and getting out of the house again and seeing people. And also the Panorama test. I have no patience.