Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Bodily Function Truck Driver

From my scientific (ish) observation of the world, I have come to the conclusion that being held in isolation or near isolation in a small box will drive normal human beings completely bonkers. The prime example of this phenomena and focus of the following post is Bodily Function Truck Driver. Here on referred to by the acronym, BFTD.

I first met BFTD while on the first well I worked on. I believe it was even my first hitch. He started out normal enough, as truck drivers go. A little awkward maybe, but I put it down as a quirk of sitting in the truck cab alone all day. Can't exactly find fault in a guy for being awkward when you're engineer.

See how awkward I was? My parents claim I picked those glasses. I ddon't agree. Luckily, I'm wearing a neon pink hat so you can't see the crooked bangs that go all the way to my ears. And my adorable little brother is almost blocking out the gaps in my teeth.


Yep, still awkward
Anyway, it was clear BFTD was trying to be nice, his execution just a bit. Then things begin to get weird. 

One he comes up to the lab for a chat about H2S. He wants to know what it is and how it's formed. Certain bacteria form it, Mr. BFTD. It is a byproduct of decomposing organic matter.

"So bacteria poop it out?"

"Well, I've never heard it put that way exactly, but sure."

Another time we called BFTD up to tell him we would be emptying a tank out to our cuttings box outside and he needed be ready to clean it out. BFTD seemed to have difficulty processing this.

"So it isn't going to trickle in steadily? It's just all going to be there at once?"

"Yep, the tank filled up, now we are going to empty it all to the box."

"Huh. So basically the rig has a bladder and now that it's filled up, it needs to pee?"

Silence for a few seconds while we process his thought process.

"Uhhhh....Yeah? I guess so..."

This is the point we dub him Bodily Function Truck Driver, because he relates everything a bodily function.

Eventually BFTD disappears and becomes just another story we tell around the rig. Until yesterday. I go to fill out a manifest to send a truck driver out for disposal. I hold normal conversation with this guy for a minute or two before it dawns on me. BFTD is back! I immediately run to tell my mud cohorts who he is and why he seemed familiar and spend the next minutes recalling ridiculous tales of BFTD wondering what he'll come with next.

Let this be a cautionary tale for those who think they prefer solitude the company of others. Don't be bodily function truck driver.

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