I haven't said much here lately. I've been a like bit more in this quiet place where I want to talk to a few people and just stay off the radar other then that. I keep thinking the last really hard day is behind me and then there always seems to be a new one in front of me.
We got out baby's remains back finally. I couldn't look at them but my midwife said that there really wasn't enough after the genetic testing to cremate. So that all sucked. But we were able to ship her to Michigan since we were going to be out there quickly anyway and we know Travis' family at least is staying put.
We buried her out in the woods, just Travis and me. It was the only thing, the last thing, we could really do for her, but it just sucked. Right now she doesn't have a marker other than rocks and wildflowers but Travis' parents are making her one. We picked the name Nova and a quote for her marker, "Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect."
I had a bit of a meltdown one evening about leaving her behind in the ground. Too much wine and a Facebook birth announcement hit me harder than I anticipated and set me off and it escalated from there. Oh well, it happens, I got through it.
I made Nova a playlist to say goodbye, oddly it's more comforting than hard to listen to for me. https://open.spotify.com/user/1225401903/playlist/1YUDJENDQrqU44K4xxwI0e
But I'm feeling more ready to just move on. We are going to get going on the foster care application and just give the pregnancy thing another go. I got my period back right when I predicted from my pee sticks. At least my body seems to be predictable and still sorting itself out quickly. I feel better, like I am starting off again with a good reset. So far, it hasn't been the painful horror story a lot of women seem to say is common for a first period post miscarriage. Especially since I haven't had one since March, I was braced for a brutal experience. But, it appears I lucked out again in the physical department or my pain tolerance really just is beastly. I think I'll just go with the "I'm just a badass" theory because I like that one better. My hip tattoo tickling was worse than the pain so there's more evidence for that theory. I can't lie though, I feel like I've been a bit cranky the last couple days though.
If I have another miscarriage, I think that's when we will have some serious thinking to do. And when more testing would make more sense. Especially after finding out how much that shit costs. Our genetic test before insurance is about $6,600. Did not see that one coming, to be honest. I mean, we got an answer, but that number is just....ughhhh. I'm not sure what insurance will cover yet. I would think they would decide the test was justified. Seeing as I was on miscarriage number 2. Travis thinks we probably will be fine and the bill won't actually be terrible. The same company does the common first trimester genetic blood test screening you hear about a lot. Out of pocket cost for that test is usually 100 to 200 and we will likely do that one for peace of mind the next pregnancy. Also, my ER bill makes me naseaous. Take a look.
The total bill to insurance then for this miscarriage is over $11,000. Why is it that expensive?
I keep reminding myself that Nova was just a one time tragedy. 1 in 4,000 to 1 in 10,000 chance so I did the math. I got my first period when I was 12 and the average age for menopause is 51. Let's just call it 12 cycles a year for ease of calculating and because it's close enough for an estimate. Then take out 22 months for when I was pregnant and/or breastfeeding and not ovulating. That's roughly 446 months, or eggs, 446 chances of getting pregnant. Not even close to 4,000, let alone 10,000. So Turner syndrome won't happen to my babies again, statistically. That was my one month that could happen and it was just bad luck.
So that's just one random unexplained miscarriage I've had, that happens to a lot of people. Probably nothing is wrong and the next baby will be smooth sailing.
If we get pregnant right away, I'd be due June 9th. Right in the middle of summer, exactly when I didn't want to be super pregnant in the Nevada heat. Oh well, just details, I would still rather be pregnant than not. I'm trying not to take it for granted and assume I'll be pregnant again right away, because that's a possibility. But I have no reason to think it won't happen as fast as my last 3 pregnancies have. We shall see. I'm just really hoping I'm pregnant before that first December due date. Not that I will feel safe or that it's really happening until I can feel the baby kick regularly. Second trimester safe is gone for me now.
That note aside, I am planning on just relaxing as much as I can this next time. There's literally nothing I can control so why stress? I mean, I'm sure I'll stress more though, but I'll do my best. The one thing I clung to with Nova is that she was always loved and never felt my stress or worry or sadness. My goal is the next one will get that same experience.
I read a quote recently that stuck with me and is how I feel I am jumping back into life this month. "Living in fear won't stop us from losing what we love, it will just stop us from enjoying it." And I have my new tattoo to remind me of my general life philosophy and goals. Go fast, take chances, jump out of the plane, live boldly, love fearlessly.
The stars are for the 2 babies, the colors are the birthstone colors of the months I was due and the months I miscarried. I sure hope I never have to add any more. But if I do, I'll survive it regret free. It's all worth it for moments like this.